


as far as i can see

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Romance, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>They tell her it's temporary. It still feels like an identity crisis.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	as far as i can see

**Author's Note:**

> This sort of just happened. And then, like a twist of fate, someone dropped me a message and was like Amnesia!fic and it was like the universe was just telling me to do it already. So I did.
> 
> I don't know if this is going to be its own separate universe, or maybe there's going to be a sequel -- we'll see!
> 
> Special thanks to Kathleen, who, if anything, listened to me talk crazy about a bazillion things. Thank you! <3

When the news finally breaks, the Internet has it first. "Of course," Soojung mutters, scrolling through her phone. There are six blogs, her assistant continues to relate, seven if you count the one that says SHE WAS THERE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD when really, really, she wasn't because this happened on the highway and it was raining and why would anyone be that _stupid_.

Jessica isn't paying any attention.

There is a reflection of her face in the window, cut by wide, blue skies. If she had to guess, it was somewhere between six and eleven in the morning because she remembers something about directionality, something her grandfather used to tell her about getting lost, and the third thing, well, it feels a little like nagging, so she kind of just goes and lets it be.

"Ignore the news," her mother says from somewhere next to her. Their hands are laced together on the bed. Jessica turns her gaze to the television and winces. The bruising around her eye is going to make her feel deliberate, maybe a little too aware, unlike the gash the runs from her cheek to the jaw, covered by gauze and careful stitches. She was in and out when the nurses were talking, right over her, and there was something about glass.

"How can she," Soojung mutters again, then dashes for the remote before her assistant gets to it. Jessica watches, slightly amused, as the other woman has the presence of mind to look bewildered. "It's the news," Soojung says. "She's going to find out sooner or later that --"

Soojung presses the mute button. It's too late. The single, scrolling headline already makes its way across the screen; it's accompanied by the broadcaster then, a screenshot of herself at an award's ceremony, then another one, of her in a group of girls, mini skirts and glitter everywhere. She stares blankly. Her eyes settle on a piece of the phrase: _former Girl's Generation member in late night car crash_.

It's such a simple phrase, generic really. She strains a little, trying to watch what's happening but her sister's already muted the damn broadcast. It doesn't matter, she thinks. Her hand rises and brushes against the bandages that cup her face. Her head is starting to hurt a little and she tries to remember what she was doing up until the crash. It was a photo shoot. The commitment is complete. She was off to take a few weeks off before she headed to China. She had a lunch in China. But something unsettles her, really unsettles her, and she wracks her brain for the simple stuff: Soojungie is her sister, her mother is right next to her, and her father is flying in from New York because of a meeting. She remembers piano lessons. She remembers hating ballet classes, but she was six then and you're supposed to want to do everything and nothing when you're six.

Jessica turns to reach for her mother, who is too far and pouring a glass of water. Instead, she reaches for Soojung, gently wrapping her fingers around her sister's wrist. She tugs once, then twice, until her sister's worried expression turns towards her.

Jessica feels herself frown. It hurts. "When," she says slowly, "was I ever in a group?"

The glass slips from her mother's hand.

Her ears start to ring.

 

 

 

 

 

They tell her it's temporary. It still feels like an identity crisis.

Jessica sits through a series of tests: what year is it, where are you from, who is the president right now, what is your favorite color -- all questions that make her frustration build and bubble over. Soojung does not leave her side once, grips her hand, and listens wisely, anchoring herself to her sister's side. Jessica feels overwhelmed and trapped, only staring at her mother when the doctor finishes, watching as the two of them confirm yet again: it's temporary.

"But what does that mean," her mother balks, still gripping the sheets next to Jessica. She's pale. Jessica touches her wrist and she tries to breathe. " _Bruises_ are temporary. Exhaustion is temporary. But memory loss --"

"Mom." From the other side of the bed, Soojung's expression is grim and glued to the television screen again. Jessica sees the headline again: car accident, JESSICA JUNG, no news regarding status. "Let the doctor finish," Soojung says gently.

The doctor clears his throat, but Jessica beats him to it.

"It means that I'm going to have to take a vacation," she says dryly but only Soojung snorts and laughs. She turns her gaze to her sister and then back to the doctor, holding up her phone. "It means that I'm going to have to surround myself with triggers. Family and friends." She points to her face, her fingers grazing her bandages. "It means that at the very least I know who you are, Soojungie, who Mama is and Daddy too. I know that I run a successful business. I know it's 2016." She sighs and nods towards the television. "I don't think that matters."

The words are a little painful to say. Like there's something disagreeable within her, knowingly so, but she cannot help but solve the situation for everyone else. Her sister smiles uneasily next to her, excuses herself with a kiss to Jessica's forehead as the doctor continues to talk to her mother.

She doesn't feel frustrated, Jessica thinks, and thank god, the news turns to the weather and her assistant isn't here. She could very well look herself up, answer everything and hope for the best. But there's something inside of her, something that sits with embarrassment and longing, that tells her to leave it be.

So she does.

 

 

 

 

It takes a while for her apartment to feel like home.

For a few days, she struggles and wanders around. She cleans, stays away from her glass and drinks tea out of mugs because if she drops one, the sound isn't going to be the sound in her head, the one that's started to ring over and over again, reminding her that there are things that she has to remember. She sticks to simple things too: goes over paperwork because that's easy and diligent, boring work. She's good with numbers, remembers she's good with numbers -- so it's not _that_ \-- and readjusts her budget for the new year. She cleans her apartment, brings back a basil plant to life (she calls Soojung too, who laughs and says: "Now you need to use it!" and Jessica remembers that she's right) and cleans her closet, donates things, and feels marginally better about it.

Then Soojung brings over guests.

Her sister enters the apartment first with Amber, who she remembers, actually remembers because she's important to Soojung, who also greets her with a wide, worried smile. She's gripping Soojung's arm.

"I'm moral support," she declares, then points to Soojung who, in turn, jerks her hand back to the door. Her sister frowns and Jessica watches, slightly amused, as she disappears back outside. "She's stupidly nervous about this," Amber whispers loudly.

"I feel like I'm being lead into a trap then."

"Probably," Amber agrees, handing her a tea. There are four other ones in a tray and Jessica reaches for a blanket, covering her legs. She hears the murmuring by the door. "You know your sister means well," Amber says too.

Jessica smiles lightly, watching the hallway as the murmuring gets louder. It doesn't hurt as much, smiling, but there is still a dull, numbing sensation that hits the corner of her mouth.

Then they walk in.

 

 

 

She doesn't know the story. She knows that if Soojung asked, it would have taken everything in her to ask, judging by the expression on Amber's face alone. Jessica knows exactly who they are though: Sooyoung, Yoona, and Taeyeon. She knows that she was a part of their group, a long time ago, since almost two years seems like ten in the entertainment industry. She knows that the Internet told her everything, even though she promised her mother that she'd leave it be, since she should have, because there is a deep, uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Let's make tea!" Amber declares, bounds off and grabs Soojung. They leave her with the three other girls: Yoona, teary-eyed, Sooyoung pale and otherwise, and Taeyeon small. None of them are looking at her.

"Hi," she finally says.

Shifting against the couch, Jessica adjust the blankets over her knees.

"You look --" Sooyoung starts, but Yoona elbows her.

"I look like I was hit by a car," she says dryly. The corners of her mouth twist and Sooyoung mirrors her actions, almost relieved. "Because I was," she finishes. "And my car flipped a couple of times. At least, that's what they told me."

"We don't have to talk about it," Yoona murmurs, gentle. Jessica takes the pressure of her voice and breathes. Nothing is triggered. She knows Yoona, she tells herself. She feels familiar without being familiar; even when she looked up the group on her phone, that sense of familiarity was distant but respectable.

"It happened," Jessica murmurs, shrugging. "What else can we do?"

Sooyoung nods. "How are you feeling?"

"Bored," she answers, her hand gesturing around the apartment. "I'm trying not to remember the amount of work I have to do and the things that have been put on hold because it'll stress me out. So I've cleaned my apartment six times instead. I went on the Internet, which was a terrible idea."

Both Sooyoung and Yoona laugh, but there is still no reaction from Taeyeon. She's a little pale. Her hair is short. She doesn't know whether or not it's supposed to be short. It seems familiar. There's a flash and an image and she thinks she remembers when it was brown, wonders why she remembers when it was brown, and then starts to let it go.

"Did you order anything?" Sooyoung asks. "Because when I'm sick, that's what I do --"

"You order chocolate," Jessica finishes, surprised. Her hand presses against her mouth and then she sighs, shakily. "Sorry." She shakes her head. "I don't know where that came from."

Sooyoung smiles, surprised. It's a real smile and there is genuine relief. It's still Yoona that comes forward, straight to Jessica's side, and sits on the couch. She reaches for her hand and it's trembling, just as their fingers lace together and they settle.

"Soojungie said your memory loss was temporary."

"Still dangerous," Jessica agrees. She shrugs, staring at their hands. Her throat is dry and she feels like she could cry. "The doctor says it's not going to be easy. That the memory loss was probably triggered by the last conversation I had. Something that happened that week. It could have been anything. It's good that I'm in the present though. I guess."

"Sure," Yoona agrees.

It's disorienting, talking to these girls like she knows them, but doesn't know them because all she did was look them up on the Internet, see pictures of herself and repeat the names over and over again, in hopes of striking some kind of memory. She feels a little detached, coupled with slices of home: holding Yoona's hand feels a little like longing, like something she hasn't done in a really long time. There's Sooyoung too, who talks to her like they've been friends forever, or reconnecting, the kind of friends that come back together after a long, terrible, and stupid fight.

But it's Taeyeon that's confusing, that forces Jessica to steal glances at her. She feels worried and confused, unsettled because she hasn't said anything that places her, outside of that small, tiny memory of her hair and the color of her hair.

"Let's go check on the tea," Sooyoung says, after awhile, just to Yoona, who nods and agrees and leaves her on the couch with Taeyeon placed on the edge of her coffee table. She sees all the careful gestures between the two of them, but her gaze barely leaves Taeyeon anyway.

They sit in silence. Jessica thinks about turning on the television, but she's honestly had enough of the news, of the headlines, of the speculation. For once, she craves a sense of privacy. Maybe she was thinking about a break before the accident. Maybe this is why she feels a little antsy.

Her gaze moves back to Taeyeon.

She's staring.

Her eyes are wide and bright. Jessica's taken at back; she cannot tell if she's crying or not and if she is, she feels like she wouldn't know what to do.

"Are you all right?" she asks, blurts really, and her tongue presses into her teeth.

Taeyeon laughs and the sound is choked. "You would ask me that," she says finally and it's as if she's hearing her voice for the first time. 

"I don't do awkward silences," she mutters, flushing. Taeyeon laughs again and then reaches out, tentatively placing her hand over Jessica's. Her fingers are warm. "They weird me out," she says.

"Sorry," Taeyeon says. She picks her words carefully. Jessica watches as her lips pucker out. "I just --" there's something painfully honest about her hesitation, "I just wish I knew the right thing to say."

Jessica shakes her head, her bangs falling across her eyes. "It's not like you hit me with your car," she points out. "You didn't cause the accident, you know."

Relief stumbles out of Taeyeon is the worst kind of the way, the kind of way that makes her insanely and intensely vulnerable all at once, so much so that it hits Jessica in a way that she feels terrified. Her gaze glues itself to Jessica and Jessica feels something like hysteria that bubbles and settles into her throat. Her eyes burn.

"Sorry," Taeyeon manages and then their fingers lace together. Jessica feels herself trying to remember. It's strain. "I'm sorry," Taeyeon repeats. "I just hate that you're like this. That something happened to you."

Jessica's voice cracks a little. "That's life, you know. You can't always predict it."

"I know," Taeyeon says. She laughs and the sound is sharp. Her fingers squeeze Jessica's. "But it doesn't meant that it doesn't..."

"Suck?" Jessica supplies, and both girls laugh, softly, soft enough so that it's selfish but between the two of them. They'll sit like this until the others come back with tea, maybe forgotten until Amber suggests a movie or Soojung sits too close to her and everyone else alternates by looking at her like she's going to disappear. But Taeyeon doesn't let go of her hand and her thumb stokes the inside of her palm, kind of like a reassurance, kind of not. It feels a little like a secret, a real secret, something that she hasn't had for a really long time.

Maybe that's the memory.

 

 

 

 

 

Jejudo is her assistant's idea, which is probably why she gets paid really well, which is something that Jessica takes to without hesitating because a vacation and a break isn't real when you're glued to the inside of your apartment for a couple of weeks. So she buys the plane ticket, signs off on a bunch of projects, calls her mom and tells her to call Soojungie when she needs to be reached, that she'll be fine, that she'll need this and yes, of course, the vacation house is gorgeous and she'll send pictures when she gets there.

She calls Sooyoung first, at the airport, and doesn't know why it seems like the most rational thing to do.

"Did the doctor say it was okay?" the other woman asks and Jessica snorts, shrugging into her tea. "Seriously," Sooyoung says. "You're going to make all of us worry about you to death. And then you'll haunt us. Although you might be a good ghost to have around."

Jessica snorts. "I don't even know how I'm supposed to take that," she says. "But I'll just go along with it."

Her memories of Sooyoung are the easiest, maybe even the first to come back. She hasn't really said anything to anyone, including Sooyoung, but it has felt like that they've both given each other silent apologies. For Sooyoung, she remembers how they laugh together, stupid things like sharing shoes and sweaters, and the late night phone calls about worries.

"I'll be fine," Jessica says anyway. "I just need to be somewhere where there's not a reporter outside and my sister has some space and you guys are left alone. I think the beach is a good place to go."

"It's January."

Jessica snorts. "This is the closest my mom was okay with me going. Work with me here."

"How long are you going?" Sooyoung asks, laughing. Jessica plays with the ticket in her lap. It's one-way, she doesn't say. It's only way she'd give herself a break. "Yoon and I will take a couple of days. Taeyeon-ah would totally come down. The rest of the girls are dying to see you... they just don't want to --"

"Overwhelm me?" Jessica finishes. She smiles a little. In her head, she sees all their faces. Yuri is the only other one who has reached out. She isn't mad; it's tentative, careful footwork. "It's okay. I'll be there indefinitely. If I need to work from there, I can. So pick a day."

"Sure," Sooyoung says.

It's weird, Jessica thinks as they hang up. Everything feels a little like glass, carefully reconstructed, replaced, whatever you want to call it, but it's still too fragile to be anything else. She feels like these girls are waiting for her to remember something, something terrible, but all her mind can wander back to are small, sharp memories of good times and the bad, all reasons why family is family and sisters are sisters.

It makes her uneasy, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

The house she has is small, at the edge of a cluster of houses that over looks the water, the crashing waves, and an insane amount of greenery despite the winter months. She has to readjust her eyes and has trouble sleeping the first night as it alternates between being too quiet and too easy to get lost in all the same.

But her second night there is when Taeyeon arrives with a simple text message that says something like _here_ and unapologetically without warning. It isn't really that real until she shows up to her front door, bag in hand, and a note pinned to her jacket from Sooyoung that says in big, bold letters FAMILY REPRESENTATIVE ;) which makes Jessica laugh.

"Hi," Taeyeon greets when they finally procure her suitcase to the bedroom and her jacket is shrugged off into the messy sheets. They kind of stare at each other and then Jessica doesn't really know what else to do, other than stepping forward to embrace her, wrapping her arms tightly around her shoulders. "Hi," Taeyeon says again, laughing gently. Her fingers are in Jessica's hair, combing through. "I'm glad I'm here too," she teases, a little awkward, a little warm.

Jessica's eyes are burning and she doesn't know why. "Shut up," she sniffs. Her face burrows into the crook of her neck. "I don't know why I'm emotional," she says.

"It's the beach." Taeyeon pulls them to sit onto the bed. "It does that to me too."

Jessica shakes her head. She pulls at her sweater, watching as Taeyeon shrugs out of hers. She fans at her face and then turns, sitting cross-legged on the bed. Reaching forward, she touches Jessica's face. Her expression sobers and relaxes.

"How are you?"

"I don't know," Jessica confesses. "I just had to get out of the city. Like logically, I understand what happened to me. I hit my head that hard too. I probably can't remember you because I was thinking about you right before the accident, or I hit my head or whatever... I just... I'm tired, you know? And overwhelmed by the fact that people are looking at me like I'm going to fall apart."

It feels like the first time she's been honest with anyone, including her sister, who she always tells everything. She doesn't want to burden Soojung though, feels like she's gone through most of this, maybe even more, with just burdening her sister, even though all she wants to do is protect her.

Her head ducks though, her hands smoothing over her lap. Taeyeon makes a soft sound next to her.

"Stop it," she murmurs.

Jessica shrugs. Her mouth tightens. "I feel like a burden and I hate it. I hate feeling like this -- that's worse for me than the injuries, right up there without being able to remember people. I'm already terrible with people and it's like the universe has decided that I'm just going to work that much harder for the rest of my life."

If she wanted Taeyeon to react, this would be the moment, but somehow she thinks she's not going to get it, maybe she doesn't even want it either, which is fine, maybe too fine. She just doesn't know how to deal with her feelings all of the sudden.

Forcing herself to stand, she lets go of Taeyeon's hand.

"How long can you stay?" she finds herself asking, finishing whatever burst of emotions that have just hit her.

Taeyeon hesitates before answering.

"As long as you need me," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

Every morning, she walks on the beach. Taeyeon comes too. When she talks to her therapist, it's just basic things, assurances: this is who I am, my name is Jessica Jung, I remember bits and pieces, but it still makes me feel really weird.

The beach is beautiful, however, quiet in the most traditional sense. It's off season and she walks mostly alone, down the sand and against the water which alternates between being a place where she can hear herself and a place where she is that much more aware of things.

"Why do you think I forgot?" Jessica asks Taeyeon. The other woman shrugs, looks helpless, and it in turns makes Jessica feel kind of awful but not guilty enough to feel bad at all. "Like... I know what happened. I know what happened between all of us." She laughs a little, shrugging. "Sooyoung-ah told me most of it from her side. Yuri called and we talked for hours. But I just..."

"I talked to you before the accident."

Jessica stops, blinks, and stills as Taeyeon steps away from next to her, closer to the water. It hits her boots and she tilts her head, her eyes shielded from the sun. The wind begins to pick up, pushing at the hair that kind of settles against her chin.

"You did?" Jessica's voice is soft.

"I did." Taeyeon curls her hair behind her ear. "It took me a week to figure out what I was going to do. I had a little too much champagne to drink at the New Year's party and I don't know... I guess I was thinking of you."

Her heart is in her throat. Everything feels painfully bright all of the sudden. She has to look away from Taeyeon, casting her gaze to the sky and the sun, which both seem a little far away, a little gray.

"What did I say?"

"You were surprised." Taeyeon offers, "You were on your way home."

"I had a shoot," she agrees, rubbing her temples. Her head starts to ache. She blinks, pressing her fingers into her temples. "My driver was new."

"You told me to call you back."

Jessica blinks. "I did."

"You did," Taeyeon says and she steps forward, closer. Her fingers curl around the sleeve of Jessica's jacket. She tugs a little and then steps into Jessica's side. "I could tell you what happened," she says quietly. "But I don't know what good it would do you -- I don't want to stress you out."

"It's not about stressing me out," she argues back, untangling from the other woman. She steps back for some space and feels the mild panic begin to unsettle her. Her breathing begins to change. The all too familiar sense of being displaced starts to gnaw at her, pick apart at what little distance and control she's been hanging onto. It hits her strangely, with a whimper and not a bang, sort of like her mind has been waiting for her to catch up.

Her shoes dig into the sand. She wraps her hands into her jacket pockets.

"I'm not made of glass."

Taeyeon doesn't say anything. Jessica takes the silence as her answer, as another thing she isn't going to understand or is meant to understand or about a million other things that are going through her mind. She's too tired to be angry.

But then she whirls around, stumbling slightly. Her eyes are wide and she shoots her fists out, midair, connecting with Taeyeon's torso. The other woman is too close and she stumbles, straight into Jessica's fists, trying to catch herself, her surprise, and everything else at once.

You just hit her, she tells herself. The panic snaps something inside of her.

"Idiot," she breathes. " _Idiot_." She stumbles again, grabbing Taeyeon as she leans into her, her mouth pressing into her neck, breathing heavily because oh god, you just hit her, _Sooyeon_ , your temper is going to get you killed.

"I'm okay," Taeyeon says weakly. She laughs a little and it brushes a tuft of air against her skin. Jessica's fingers curl in her hair and they drop to the ground and sand. "I forgot how hard you punch."

"I only did it because you wouldn't listen!" Jessica bursts, surprised. Her eyes are huge and Taeyeon lifts her head, watching her with dark eyes. She blinks. Then she blinks again. "I think," she shuffles back. "I think that's why I probably punched you."

Taeyeon laughs and pulls back. She reaches for Jessica too, straightening her jacket, her hair, brushing some sand off of her knee. Jessica feels like she's missed something important, maybe too important, but the feeling is still unsettling nonetheless. 

"It's okay," she says quietly, and her hand rises, cupping Jessica's jaw. Jessica feels her throat tighten, but Taeyeon's finger sweeps against her bottom lip. "Stop trying to punish yourself. You'll remember things when you're ready to."

"It sounds so easy for you to say." Jessica does not say that she feels like she's running away. That even though Taeyeon's here, everything else continues to feel like some kind of mystery she's never going to be privy to. "I wish it was easier for me to believe."

Taeyeon smiles a little, a toothy, sad sort of grin that hits her eyes just right, tucks into the way she carries herself and stays against Jessica. Without warning, she leans in and kisses her, softly, shyly, and a lot of other things that she can't really put into words. There's no flash either: it's simply just a kiss, Taeyeon's name pressing into her lip, her tongue rolling against her own. She tastes sweet, a little like the sea air, and everything else in between.

Her fingers slide against the back of Jessica's neck too, rub small, soothing circles into her skin. She lingers too long. She smiles again and Jessica drops her forehead against herself. It's the only thing she can think of doing.

She just remembers how to breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

Yoona calls in the middle of the day. Just after Taeyeon drags her to a tiny coffee shop, surprises her with remembering how she likes her coffee, and then they walk home. Like it's nothing. Jessica's lips are still buzzing, so she's glad for the distraction, needs the distraction and everything else in between.

"How are you," the younger woman asks, then Jessica can hear the smile. She knows why she's missed her. "How is Taeyeon eonni? Are you guys okay? Do you need anything?"

"We're fine," Jessica says dryly. "She's taking a nap right now. I'll have her call you?"

Yoona laughs. "It's okay. I just wanted to make sure that you were talking."

Jessica snorts, her cheeks flush and she thinks about the beach kiss. "We're fine," she says.

She half-listens to Yoona talk, talk about her breakup, talk about how work is going and maybe entering into dramas again because, if anything, it's time to get back to work. She moves into the kitchen, intending on making some tea. She remembers suddenly that Taeyeon doesn't like hers to be that bitter, grabs a chair from the kitchen table and balances it against the counter top so that she can reach the tea set that is settled all the way at the top.

She's always been clumsy by nature and all it takes is her leg to wobble the wrong way, her hand swiping forward to hit at the tea set, a saucer flying out and onto the kitchen floor. She drops her phone, hears Yoona cry out, and suddenly, her mind has left the beach and she is back in the car --

 

 

 

 

"Can we finish this conversation in a little while," she rushes, her eyes peeled to the road and her driver. The car swerves again because the roads are icy and god, she should have just gotten a room at a hotel nearby. The magazine had offered.

There's a dry laugh on the other line. Kim Taeyeon will forever sound skeptical, Jessica decides. "Sure," Taeyeon says. "Sorry." Her voice sharpens. "Am I bothering you?"

" _No_ ," she snaps. "For the billionth time. You're not. I just --"

It doesn't matter what she says next. The car hits the guardrail first, then tips and skid, and maybe, oh god, maybe she hears herself scream. Glass bursts into her face and her head rolls back, her fingers gripping the long strap of her seatbelt. She thinks to herself: _I refuse to die_ because something inside her just kind of snaps --

 

 

 

 

"I'm okay," she finishes, shakily. "I'm okay."

Taeyeon is kneeling by her. There are two cups on the kitchen floor, snapped into pieces. Taeyeon is holding her cellphone too, gripping Jessica's shoulder as she quietly reassures Yoona on the line. We'll call you back. She's just clumsy.

Nothing new, she thinks. She's always been clumsy.

"You called me," she says quietly, and Taeyeon freezes, putting her phone on the floor and then sliding along the floor. They are sitting knee to knee and Taeyeon brushes her fingers against her face. Jessica catches her hand. "You called me and we were fighting and I was thinking about staying behind and getting a room at the hotel because it was just too _icy_ and oh my god --"

Her eyes burn and she's crying without even acknowledging that she's crying. She feels so stupid, impossibly small, and all those feelings, those thousands upon thousands of feelings that she's worked so hard, too hard, to try and cope with all come rushing to the surface.

Taeyeon's hands cup her face. "You're going to be okay," she says firmly. "You need to breathe right now."

Jessica's ears are ringing. She breathes, her gaze unsettled. Her eyes flicker around the kitchen. She should go home.

"I can't --"

Taeyeon is stubborm. " _Breathe_ , damn it. I'm not going anywhere."

She snaps this way, letting out a wail, echoing through the small house and that tiny kitchen that feels like she's been holding onto forever. Every piece, every carefully constructed piece that she's placed around her, hoping to get better, to be honest with her mistakes, to try _harder_ seems to be shaking out and spread in line for Taeyeon to see. Her fists launch out too, but Taeyeon catches them and pulls her into embrace as her wail dissolves into sobs, soft and shuddering, her fingers pulling at her hair.

"You're okay," Taeyeon murmurs, mouth against her ear. "You're going to be okay. We'll be okay. I promise you we'll get through this somehow."

The bitter taste of promises rises. She tries to calm herself down. She hasn't done this in a long time, not since -- forever ago, she tells herself, when her choices were thrown into her face and _you have to choose_ happened without any rhyme or reason or anything else in between.

"I don't want to fight," she says. She doesn't recognize her own voice. It's low. It feels heavy. "I just want to sit here for a second. I feel a little dizzy --"

"It's okay." Taeyeon brushes her hair back. "Let's just sit here. Then I'll make some tea or we could think about dinner?'

Jessica stumbles up to stand though, out of her will, sheer embarrassment, or about a billion other things that are racing through her mind. She gently pulls her hands away from Taeyeon, ignoring the sharp pang she gets when the other woman looks at her with something she can only call _surprise_. Because if she doesn't, she may lose it again.

"I'm going to go for a walk," she manages, even though it's dark, even though her head is pounding and she's too far from home to hide, even though her sister is nowhere near her.

Things can change back after all, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

She is gone for more than just a couple hours, just as the sky gets a little dark and the path by the beach and all the house sort of light the way for her to get back. She's wrapped her sweater around herself too tightly, if anything, and she shouldn't have gone too far.

"You're an idiot," she tells herself, and there's nothing outside of that to offer. She's angry and sad. She's confused and as she walks up to the house, over the stone path that leads to the door, she spots Taeyeon sitting outside, hugging her jacket over her lap.

She remembers: _I need to talk to you_ , she had said, _not spend the rest of my life wanting to see you_. It was the closest she had ever gotten to a confession; Jessica doesn't remember what she said back to Taeyeon, if it even mattered, but it was, is, and can be a new year.

She finds herself stopping in front of Taeyeon, her gaze relaxing as the other woman looks up at her.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to run off."

Taeyeon shakes her head. "You don't have to apologize."

"No," Jessica counters. "But I do. For me, I have to tell you that I don't want to run away. That I made a promise to myself that I was going to try harder, that I need to try harder, that I wasn't going to wait for you to talk to me, that if I had the opportunity --"

Taeyeon kisses her again. She just leans up, her mouth planted against hers and it's different this time, heavier, needier, desperate at best. Jessica's teeth sinks into her lip and Taeyeon makes this heavy, needy sound, curling her fingers into her hair and pulling hard.

Everything starts to spill out this way, the memories of being in a practice room, of holding hands, of confession to each other -- not just between the two of them, but the other girls, of Sooyoung and Yoona and girls that she loved dearly but knew, deep down, that her direction was going to be a painful change. But Taeyeon kisses and she is kissing her back with love, a lot of love, the kind that shifts and churns and makes everything impossibly large. In the back of her head, she hears her breathe, then the ocean as it. She smells the sea in her hair, feels the sand in her heels, and remembers what it's like to love someone as painfully loud and open as she has always done.

The worry lines in Taeyeon's face starts to drop, sinking away from her face.

"I'm not going anywhere," Taeyeon says quietly. She laces her fingers through Jessica's. "I don't know how to go anywhere. We'll figure this out together, you know?"

"Don't make it an obligation." Jessica feels heavy and vulnerable. She shifts and sits on the steps with Taeyeon, letting the other woman drop her jacket over her shoulders. She tucks her hair behind her ear, then tugs a little at Jessica's braid. "I'm serious," Jessica murmurs. "I don't know if I could take it -- if you're trying to make things right, let's stop here and now."

Taeyeon shakes her head. "I'm not going anywhere," she repeats. "And it's not going to be perfect. I'm not perfect." She laughs, rubbing the back of her head. "I don't know how to be anything else but me... so you know when I say that I want to be here, I will be."

Jessica doesn't say anything, not yet, stares ahead of herself and picks out points and colors on the gravel path. She breathes in and out, wonders how long she'll really stay here, if she really wants to stay here, but it doesn't matter anyhow. She's here and so is Taeyeon.

"I'll take a small promise," Jessica says quietly. She makes a decision, turning her head and meeting her gaze. "That's it," she says and there's nothing else to say from that. "Just be you," she says.

Taeyeon nods, brushing her hands together, then reaches for Jessica, dragging her jacket closer to her, keeping her warm. Their heads press together and Jessica laughs because of course, of course this is where they come to be. They are not little girls anymore. It's going to be about moving forward again.

They'll go home tomorrow, she decides. She takes the initiative: her fingers lace into Taeyeon's, it's cold and the wind is picking up, pressing into her cheeks and her neck and Taeyeon gets a little closer because it's getting colder and maybe, maybe they should go inside and talk some more.

But it's in the way Taeyeon looks at her, and in the way that she looks back; her head is aching, her breathing is evening out. She's still not herself, but she's ground, then and there, simply by the shift of Taeyeon's hand against hers.

A lot of things have changed. But that's never been temporary.

Jessica begins to breathe.


End file.
